I’m very passionate about sharing the beauty of undisturbed, natural births with other women. I know the US has one of the worst maternal and infant death rates in the world. I know cervical checks are unnecessary. I know fetal monitoring is harmful. I know that home is the safest place for low-risk mothers to give birth. I know squatting and hands and knees are some of the best delivery positions. I know that thanks to the fetal ejection reflex baby can come out peacefully and painlessly.
So how did I end up flat on my back in a hospital, scared, in pain, and pinned down by four people while they yelled at me to push?
This birth story is much harder for me to write than the other ones. I still haven’t healed from it (yet), but I wanted to share my experience in an effort to process it. And hopefully, my story will help someone else in their own journey.
Let’s begin at the beginning…
Hopeful
My health has been up and down for the past several years. Thanks to Lyme disease, bartonella, and long-term complications from viral illness, I’ve struggled with feeling my best. Once I overcame one obstacle another would rear its head. I was finally starting to get my stamina back (again!) when I found out I was pregnant in September.
We were so excited when we found out we were having a girl. I love my boys but I really wanted a little girl to put hairbows on and take to ballet lessons and gymnastics.
For my last births, I had an amazing team of midwives who were so helpful and supportive. I was hoping to have another homebirth, but apparently everyone decided to get pregnant at the same time and they were all booked. Our local hospital had recently hired a midwife and after touring their birth center I decided it would be a good alternative.
I interviewed the midwife and she seemed like a good enough fit. She was very nice, a great listener, and assured me that it was my birth and I could say no to anything. She also discouraged me from having a written birth plan and asked me the same questions every appointment. Not because the answer changed, but because she was too busy with patients to get to know me that well. I should have noticed the red flags, but I thought I could manage on my own.
A Rough Time of Things
Like my other pregnancies, I had morning sickness, but this time was much worse. I ended up in the hospital with dehydration because I couldn’t even keep water down. I tried every natural remedy possible and was still losing weight. The “safe” medication for that knocked me out cold (it’s also a sleeping pill) so I had to resort to Zofran. Ouch.
I was unreasonably exhausted and asked about my iron levels test. The midwife informed me my hemoglobin was fine. I then asked what my ferritin levels were and I was told they hadn’t looked at that. Turns out they were super low so I started self-treating for that. What if I hadn’t known enough to request a ferritin test though?
I also developed tachycardia in the second trimester. My heart rate would get up to 130 beats per minute and I’d be doubled over struggling to breathe. The midwife referred me to a cardiologist who told me I was fine and it wasn’t like I was training for a mini-marathon. My midwife wasn’t much help either and her only response to that was “I’m sure that’s annoying.”
Yes, not being able to breathe and feeling like I’m going to die is “annoying.”
So I sought help from other homebirth midwives and herbalists I knew and I was able to piece together a treatment plan for myself. P.S. Taking magnesium taurate and taurine worked wonders!
Figuring Things Out
With the tachycardia now under control and only one month left to go, I developed intense all over itching skin. It felt like my skin was on fire! I had many of the symptoms of cholestasis (which can be deadly for baby). Those tests came back negative (thankfully!) but I was still without answers.
I finally figured out that I’d developed a random polyester allergy. In case you don’t know, almost everything these days has polyester in it! My work scrubs, bedding, sheets, and many clothing items. After some very pregnant trips to TJ Max for cotton and linen clothing, the itching subsided. I also got a lot of relief from milk thistle to help my liver process the chemical exposures. But again, something I had to figure out and treat on my own.
This was by far my most difficult pregnancy. 9 months of nausea and vomiting, intense fatigue, and other such pleasant symptoms. I still wasn’t too worried though since I had confidence in my body. I envisioned the birth going well and it being an empowering experience like my others.
They say hindsight is 20/20.
Looking back I wish I would have picked a different midwife, a different hospital, or just stayed home and “accidentally” had the baby. I keep running through all of the different scenarios and what-ifs in my mind. As I’m making the long drive home from therapy twice a week, I keep asking myself how this even happened.